I remember my first day of college, I was so immensely excited with my bright blue doe eyes and freshly shaven face. I was about to begin a new chapter in my life, a time of wonder and discovery, a period that would determine the man I would become. I was nervous. The unprecedented feeling of apprehension and expectations formulated in my mind from film, books and conversation had rooted itself deep in my skull and I knew nothing of what to expect as I pushed the glass door and listened to the reverberations of the soles of my shoes against the harsh linoleum flooring. I brushed my hair back and straightened my collar of my chambray shirt as I entered my very first college class, English 1101.
Two years have passed since that day and much has changed. I have changed majors twice, I have started a graphic design firm and learned that I didn’t want to go to art school, I’ve found myself a new university in a new city, I’ve started my own company via the internet, I met a woman whom I loved, a woman I believed I would spend the rest of my life with, who ended up teaching me that love isn’t always right and proper and that some people simply aren’t right for each other, I’ve begun writing and I’ve gotten in better shape. I’ve become a christian, albeit a skeptic and one who questions everything at every turn.
I’m not the same man I was two years ago. Life does that to a man. He grows, he learns.
When I was a child, my mother would say to me “You’re different than the rest. You’re going to do something great one day, I know it.” My underdeveloped brain sitting in the backseat merely gazed out the window at cow pastures and chicken coops absentmindedly and asked for crackers and apples at the time, but I never forgot her words. She meant it and believed it, she said it often.
As I grow further into adulthood I believe she may have been on to something, which brings me back to the reason for writing this.
I’ve found that I identify with a ridiculously minuscule number of people in my generation. I feel removed from them. I don’t buy into the college life and I genuinely harbor a genuine dislike for almost everyone around me. I don’t like seeing people today act the way they do, so insecure and empty, concerned about themselves and hedonistic desires of the time at hand.
It’s almost as if everyone has become complacent with the life they’ve been given.
Everyone feels like they don’t fit in sometimes, I get that. I genuinely feel this every day of my life. College was supposed to be where I make the best of friends, the memories that would last my whole life. No one told me I’d be alone so much.
I’m not socially inept, I’m outgoing, people seem to like me. I’m confident and I stand up straight, I give a firm handshake and look you dead in the eye, I can carry a conversation, and well. I just feel like a conduit of desire and passion for life and hard work that nobody seems to have. Everyone is complacent and dull. They’re so vapidly boring. My God.
I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe I’m writing nothing of value and It’s all garbage.